Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth | Adia Gooden | TEDxDePaulUniversity

I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness

for as long as I can remember.

From the outside,

my life looked pretty perfect when I was growing up.

My parents had a happy marriage, were supportive,

and earned enough for us to be more than comfortable.

I was mostly happy,

but I also had a deep sense that something was wrong with me.

My most painful moments were at parties.

When I went to Black parties,

my friends made fun of me because I was rhythmically challenged

and I couldn't get my awkward middle-school body

to mimic the latest dance moves.

As the only Black girl

at parties associated with my predominantly white school,

I was never chosen to dance,

I was never the object of anyone's attention,

I felt like I didn't belong.

So around age 12,

I decided that the way to cure these feelings of unworthiness

was perfection.

Simple, right?

If I was just perfect,

then I would fit in, I would be chosen, I would really be happy.

So I threw myself into formal dance classes,

worked hard in school,

and tried to be a supportive and selfless friend.

My self-esteem was high when I got good grades and felt included,

but crashed when I didn't do well academically or was left out.

In college, busyness became my key strategy for trying to feel worthy.

I juggled classes and tutoring and the Black Student Union

and a student government and a sorority and a gospel choir and a step team,

barely giving myself time to breathe, to think, to be.

After college,

my attention turned to trying to find a relationship to fill the void.

The anxiety and ups and downs I experienced in this quest

were exhausting.

I remember going out to bars and clubs,

and just like in junior high, was rarely the one chosen to dance.