I was 11 years old,

and I was rubbing makeup all over my legs to cover up my freckles

because I hated them, and I thought they were so ugly.

I was 15,

and I lived with my dad and my stepmom,

and I lied about my mom.

I lied about her

because she was a waitress, and she lived in a tiny apartment,

and because she was a recovering drug addict.

I lied about her because I was too ashamed to tell the truth.

I was 17, and I was down on my knees on a bathroom floor,

and I was forcing myself to throw up everything that I'd eaten that morning.

I was desperate to be thin;

I was trying so hard to be perfect.

I was 21, and I didn't even realize what I was doing,

but I was droning on and on to my friend Julie,

telling her about all the people we knew

and how great they were, and how amazing their lives were,

and how much I wanted to be like them, how jealous I was!

And my dear friend Julie,

she stopped me, and she said,

"Niko, you need to meet yourself."

And when she said that to me, it was like something changed.

It was like she held a mirror up for me,

and what she was showing me was so different

from what I'd ever seen before.

She said, "Niko, you should be jealous of yourself.

You're gutsy; you're hard-working; you're resilient.

If you could meet yourself,

you might really like her.

But as quickly as she painted that image of me, it was gone!

And I was totally confused because I,

I see myself as embarrassing, unlovable, awkward.

But I loved that image that she created,

and I wanted it back.

So I set out on this journey to find it and to try to make it stick.

So eventually, I landed myself a job,

working with young women.

My job was to create a program for them to help them increase their self-esteem,